Embracing Complexity: Insights from a Transgender Adoptee
My story of navigating two journeys as an Adoptee and trans women 🏳️⚧️
Growing up as an Adoptee has its own share of difficulties. Growing up as a transgender person also has its own share of difficulties. Growing up as a transgender Adoptee is complicated to say the least, and there are intersections and great differences between the two demographics that certainly require more attention from both demographics, especially as more transgender and adoption issues gain visibility in news, social media, and the public eye. What I would like to do is touch upon a few issues that deserve our attention and propose ways that we can all be better allies to both demographics while appreciating their differences and overlapping. I will begin with a brief introduction about myself.
My name is Joselyn and I am a transgender woman. I was born in the city of Huanuco, Peru which is a city located about 8 hours by bus or a half an hour in plane outside of the more well-known city of Lima, Peru. My biological family came from humble backgrounds and despite Peru being a predominantly Spanish speaking country, my mother spoke the native language of Quechua. My adoptive parents on the other hand were from New York and New Jersey and at the time of my adoption, they were living in Clifton, New Jersey, a city about a half an hour outside of New York City. My Adoptive mother was a director for the Northern Trust bank at the World Trade Center and my father was a letter carrier. They finally adopted me when I was one and a half years old in the year 1991. I had no siblings.
Unfortunately, my mother passed from lung cancer when I was only 13 years old in the year 2003 and my father followed only a few years after her when I was 21 in the year 2021. Upon being “orphaned” for the first time in my life, I made it my goal to return to Peru to find my biological family, and in 2013 I did just that. During this first trip, I unfortunately found out that both my biological parents had passed, but that I had siblings, 7 in total, and cousins, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, and other relatives in different parts of the country. It wouldn’t be until the next year after, in 2014, that I would reconnect with my biological sister and she is the person with whom I live now in the city of Lima.
All throughout my life, however, I knew I was different. Since a young age, I had always wanted long hair and the opportunity to dress in ways that were deviant to standard male dress. One way I was able to express my gender nonconformity was through the heavy metal fashion which was a way for me to grow out my hair and wear tighter fitting clothing. I didn’t end up starting my transition, however, until after my adoptive parents had already died and while I was living in Peru with my sister. Luckily, my sister greatly supported my transition, although she certainly worried about me. Even at the beginning of my transition, one might even suggest that I “passed” as a cis woman. As such, my sister was more concerned with my safety as a woman than with me being transgender in a very Christian and conservative country. I say Christian instead of Catholic as an umbrella term since Catholicism is merely one form many Christian sects in Peru. As a religious country Peru is no stranger to the patriarchy and now being a woman meant that different rules applied to me regarding safety and treatment. It’s also worth noting that I was no longer living in a tourist area either.
“All throughout my life, however, I knew I was different. Since a young age, I had always wanted long hair and the opportunity to dress in ways that were deviant to standard male dress.”
With my story one can begin to see several common themes discussed in both Adoptee and transgender circles, namely the idea of family. Many Adoptees and Transgender people must address family viewpoints when one starts to open up about their true feelings regarding their own viewpoints on Adoption, such as whether or not they are adoption critical, and/or gender nonconformity and sexual orientation. The unfortunate reality is that many of these topics might be new or difficult for our adoptive families to comprehend and that is the ultimate challenge in the position that we find ourselves in as either Adoptees or transgender people. For instance, although my extended adoptive family supported my transition, I always wonder what my adoptive family would have thought if I had transitioned before they both passed? How would my journey back to Peru have been different if I did not do so as a man first? Is transitioning before or after reunion preferable? Will our biological families, who are oftentimes religious or uneducated on gender and sexuality topics, accept us for who we are?
I was “fortunate” in the respect that I did not have to confront my adoptive parents about my gender nonconformity, although I most certainly dealt with gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember which means while they were still alive. Neither did we talk about my viewpoints on adoption, such as the complexities and traumas related to living as an adoptee in a world that continues to make assumptions on our lives. This reality highlights the fact that many Adoptees also have the desire to reunite with their biological families and roots. Consequently, considering how conversing about such topics, such as gender, sexuality, cultural differences or adoption critique, can cause such mixed and complex emotions with all parties involved, we are sometimes very cautious on how to enter into reunion with our biological families.
Photo credit: Féminas
That is one of the main challenges that Transgender Adoptees face, namely entering into reunion as a gender that is different from the one that one’s biological family is used to. While some members of the queer community, such as Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual people, can avoid topics related to gender and sexuality, being transgender means that we will need to discuss our gender nonconformity in our first conversations. “Mom I was your son, now I am your daughter.” Even if one were to transition after entering into reunion, as was my case, to avoid talks of gender proves impossible because externalizing our gender identity is always what we desire most. There is no way to avoid a conversation if we want to have an authentic relationship with ourselves and our biological families, and that also holds true for adoption talk. I also believe it to be unjust to avoid talking about such topics if one were to be able to avoid them somehow, such as if one were cis or presented as gender-binary conforming. I firmly believe that we can change and educate minds on these topics and it is exactly our biological families who need to hear more about these topics. We do all our families a service by being honest about our sense of self and our opinions on our gender identity and our views on adoption.
“That is one of the main challenges that Transgender Adoptees face, namely entering into reunion as a gender that is different from the one that one’s biological family is used to.”
Regarding the few challenges posed in coming out of the closet as transgender with my biological family, I did have a few more religious family members who had previously met me before transitioning respond negatively, but due to their distance in relation and their persistent ignorance around many more topics outside of gender and sexuality, I felt like it wouldn’t be worth the energy to try to convince them. That was the worst of it, however, and my sister has been nothing, but supportive and validating towards me and my true self. She even told me that more often than not, the kinds of people, religious or not, who feel the need to judge and criticize others are most likely the kinds of people who have many problems and insecurities themselves. I couldn’t be happier with our relationship.
It behooves Adoptees to be understanding also to the reality that many transgender people leave their biological families because of the abuse they received for being trans and gender non-conforming. While Adoptees want to return to the roots, transgender people are often in situations where they want to find new ones and this is an interesting intersectionality that I think often gets overlooked. All experiences are not as black and white either. There are many transgender people in Peru who still live with there family and there are also, unfortunately, a great number of them who don’t because of their trans-ness. Similarly there are many Adoptees who could not find common ground with their adoptive families and believe that perhaps their original families would provide at least some renewed emotional connection that they were missing. I’ve heard transgender women tell me that they wish they were adopted and I’ve heard Adoptees say they wish they were living with their biological families and both of these ideas can be valid if we accept the plurality of possible experiences.
“While Adoptees want to return to the roots, transgender people are often in situations where they want to find new ones and this is an interesting intersectionality that I think often gets overlooked.”
Some other hot button issues that deserve our attention include names. More often these days, I’m hearing about Adoptees who want to return to their original biological names. Many adoption critics also believe that our biological countries need to protect our original identities prior to adoption in order to safeguard our right to return to that identity if we ever so choose. One issue, however, is that many transgender people do not identify with their original name. For example, in my case as a transgender woman, I no longer associate with my original name because it is commonly considered a masculine name and I do not wish to return to it regardless as to my opinions of adoption. It would behoove the adoptee community to understand that not all biological names are preferable, rather identity flexibility for transgender people needs to be welcomed and encouraged. I’m not sure I entirely agree with identity protection laws if they complicate the lives of transgender people, however I also don’t believe these issues need to be mutually exclusive or defeating. Adoptees and Transgender people can join together and advocate for both identity protection laws while also advocating for name and gender changes on state identification cards. I also propose the possibility of last name protection laws which enable one to choose the first names at any age. My final conclusion on names should best reflect our sense of self whenever we truly discover that, and laws should reflect this reality.
Finally, I’d like to discuss the possibility of adoption. This is always a very messy topic regarding who can adopt versus whether or not anyone can adopt. The adoption critical camp generally proposes the idea that no one should adopt and that includes LGBTQ+ people, although not with the intention to discriminate. On the other hand, Adoption rights are at the forefront of many LGBTQ+ advocacy groups considering the long history of discrimination against granting queer people adopting parent privileges and the very erroneous belief that we would not make good parents. This issue is generally expressed in this logical format: If these people (such as cis-heterosexual couples) can adopt, (with reforms and exceptions of course) then all people should be able to adopt (including LGBTQ+ people), or if adoption is bad in all cases, then no one should adopt (neither cis nor lgbtq).
I won’t provide you with my opinion on the above issue, but I will give you all some food for thought. I do believe that part of our traumas growing up can be owed to the white cis-heterosexual nature of many of our families which, especially as POC adoptees, created a great cultural rift for understanding our biological families, cultures, and our own needs navigating the world as a POC. Many of us do not know what is outside of the cis-heterosexual adoptive parenting, so I think it would be interesting to hear more about what Adoptees who were raised by non-cis or homosexual couples have to say on their adoption experiences. I am also very sympathetic to the idea that adoption in itself is trauma and that regardless of who adopts, the complexities in the experience itself is not likely to go away.
“I do believe that part of our traumas growing up can be owed to the white cis-heterosexual nature of many of our families which, especially as POC adoptees, created a great cultural rift for understanding our biological families, cultures, and our own needs navigating the world as a POC.”
Second, trans women, such as myself, wish for many of the same things that cis-women enjoy ranging from public perception as a woman, inclusion in women’s spaces, and stages in life such as marriage and having a family. While I’m very happy for many of my cis-femme friends, I would be lying if I said it was always easy discussing topics about families and having children considering that I can’t have any myself. For those who are adoption critical, unfortunately that would leave me high and dry in this area, while some Adoption reform advocates who aren’t entirely anti-adoption might be ok with a transgender woman adopting her own children. Again, I won’t present my opinion on this matter, but I will say that certain issues need to be considered and it would be a great help from the adoptee community to propose some ideas on how transgender women can create families in adoptee friendly ways. The conversation there continues.
In conclusion, we can already see that being Adopted and Transgender puts people like myself in the middle of many issues and while it might complicate some of our battles, I believe it helps make them richer and more accommodating to the richness of our adoptee and Transgender experiences. We’re not all the same and that’s okay, but I will share that I truly think both my biological and adoptive parents would have been proud and supported me just as much with my reunion with my biological family as with my transition because I’m the brave and thoughtful girl that they created or raised who knew that one day I would always make the best decision that works out for me. My life hasn’t been easy, but it’s starting to make more sense now. Thank you for reading!
