From Silence to Support: Building a New Village for Adoptive Families
Cam Lee Small, MS, LPCC, is a nationally recognized adoptee advocate, licensed clinical counselor, and founder of Therapy Redeemed. In this essay, adapted from his latest work and informed by decades of direct experience, Cam unpacks the silence that too often surrounds adoption—and what it takes to build a different kind of village for adoptees and their families.
Why This Matters Now
“It takes a village to relinquish a child, and another one to keep them from talking about what happened. A lot of people have to be in on it. But we can be different.” -Cam Lee Small, TEDx
For almost two decades, I’ve been working with adoptees face to face, and one of the loudest rallying cries I’ve heard through that journey is the need for better resources; adoptee-specific resources.
Adoptees consistently emphasize that adoption is a lifelong event, not a one-time coincidence with a simple win-win-win finale. Many are wishing they didn’t have to navigate these complex experiences alone; that they shouldn’t have to figure this out by themselves (Baden, 2016). And I believe them. I agree with them.
The recent report from South Korea's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, which acknowledged the government’s responsibility for violations of rights in international adoptions, has many families reeling. Parents are reaching out asking, “How do we process this with our children?” Adoptees are grappling with profound questions: “Were my records falsified? Am I who I thought I was?” When families turn to their adoption agencies for guidance, they often encounter silence; no statements, no resources, no support.
When Silence Speaks Louder Than Words
I don’t believe this silence in the adoption world is entirely malicious. It can flow from the result of fear, denial, and lack of understanding. For generations, the adoption narrative has been simplified, sanitized, and stripped of its complexity. Now, as truths emerge more visibly, many of us – agencies, professionals, parents, adoptees, and allies – are realizing the dire need for better tools to navigate this terrain.
One of the greatest challenges I faced growing up wasn’t just being Asian in a white family. It was the cultural misunderstanding and silence around the more difficult aspects of adoption. For many years, I didn’t have the language or space to process what adoption truly meant in my life. I’m not the only one (Lee, 2003). And I don’t see it as my parents’ fault. The predominant narrative in the 1980s focused almost exclusively on the positive outcomes of adoption, leaving little room to acknowledge that adoption inherently involves degrees of loss and trauma.
The good news is that we don’t have to remain defined by these early experiences. Layers of healing are possible! Though it does require acknowledgment of what has happened before we can strive toward the fruits of what could still happen. And it requires community. No one should have to go through these kinds of questions and experiences by themselves.
Understanding Ambiguous Loss
Grief is a natural response to loss. For adoptees, however, this grief can take the form of what scholars and mental health practitioners may call “ambiguous loss” – mourning for someone who is psychologically present yet physically absent (Boss, 1999). How do you grieve for a birth mother for whom you may not have conscious memories? For a culture and language that might have been, could have been yours? For the person you might have become had your life taken a different path?
When I finally had the opportunity to meet my birth mother in Korea, I discovered aunts, uncles, and an entire family history I hadn’t previously considered. I realized that, while I had grown up as part of my adoptive family, there were other parts of me – connected to Korea – that were alive and breathing, even if I hadn’t been raised there or in that cultural context. Acknowledging that reality was an essential part of my healing journey.
Creating Safe Spaces for Authentic Conversations
For adoptees to thrive, we need environments where we can safely explore all aspects of our identity and history. This often means breaking through silence that may not be explicitly enforced but is understood nonetheless (Javier, Baden, Biafora, and Camacho-Gingerich, 2007). When families avoid discussions about a child’s origins or respond defensively to questions (e.g., “Aren't we enough for you? Why would you want to find your birth family??”), they inadvertently may be sending the message that some topics are off-limits.
“For adoptees to thrive, we need environments where we can safely explore all aspects of our identity and history.”
The consequences of that silence can be profound. Without practice processing these complex emotions in childhood, adoptees may find themselves overwhelmed when they encounter stressors in adulthood – perhaps during major life transitions like graduating, starting a new relationship, or experiencing loss in other areas (IAmAdoptee and Cam Lee Small, 2021). We may end up with a lack of emotional vocabulary and coping strategies to navigate those feelings.
Adoption Literacy: A New Approach
What I advocate for is “Adoption literacy” – a more comprehensive understanding of adoption that encompasses its challenges, joys, and complexities. This means equipping adoptees and their communities with the language, tools, and resources to engage with adoption-related needs and circumstances throughout the lifespan (Lee Small, 2024c).
This might look like creating resource libraries, discussion groups, curriculums, or ministries dedicated to supporting adoptees and their families. It means normalizing conversations about systemic realities, culture, race, birth families, family preservation, and helping foster youth and adoptees of all ages learn how to talk about and process thoughts and feelings about their origins.
Rather than waiting until adolescence or adulthood to address these layers, though, we serve our communities when we find ways to integrate them into our approach from the beginning, making resources for them as natural as discussions about physical health or education.
A Different Kind of Village
Over the past 15+ years, I’ve been training foster and adoptive parents through my volunteer work, private practice, and through my work with professional training programs such as the Permanency and Adoption Competency Certificate at the University of Minnesota’s Center for Advanced Child Welfare. Through my work at Therapy Redeemed, this upcoming season will have been my 14th semester leading multi-week support groups for foster and adoptive parents navigating their journey of caring for children who’ve experienced relinquishment and adoption.
What I’ve learned through this work is that spaces for honest, informed conversations about adoption are rare and desperately needed. The challenge isn’t that adoptive parents don’t care – it’s that we’re all navigating a landscape that tends to be filled with misinformation and silence.
“What I’ve learned through this work is that spaces for honest, informed conversations about adoption are rare and desperately needed. ”
This isn’t about vilifying anyone in the adoption constellation. It’s about broadening our understanding and creating more comprehensive approaches to caring for vulnerable children and families, before, during, and after relinquishment and adoption have been considered (Brodzinsky, Gunnar, and Palacios, 2022). It’s about building that different kind of village – one that helps children and families tell their stories, make sense of their origins when possible, learn to hold space for when it’s not, and still move forward to meaning and satisfaction throughout their lives (Lee Small, 2024b).
Moving From Isolation to Connection
I’ve often said I’m in the business of hope. Not the kind that ignores difficult truths, but the kind that says we can face those truths and still find degrees of healing, individually and collectively (Herman, 2015). These spaces we create aren’t merely reactions to crisis and desperation – they’re proactive efforts to cultivate growth and extraordinary potential within our families and communities.
As we move forward in our understanding of adoption, my hope is that more people will open their hearts to considering the full range of the adoptee experience. By acknowledging that there is more to these stories than “happily ever afters,” we create space for adoptees to feel that the entirety of their experience matters, not just the parts that fit neatly into our culture’s preferred narratives.
Join Cam’s Adoptive Parenting Consultation Group
If you’re an adoptive parent seeking to better understand and support your child, I invite you to join my upcoming 8-Week Adoptive Parenting Consultation Group. This isn’t just another one-and-done webinar – it’s a community of wisdom where you can speak honestly, ask difficult questions, and access tools to help you support your children through whatever emerges in their adoption journey.
What's Included:
8 weekly live sessions over Zoom (90 minutes each)
Choose to observe or present your questions
Receive live coaching and constructive feedback from Cam and the group
Limited space per cohort for personalized attention
30-minute individual consultation with Cam
Private online community for ongoing support between sessions
Weekly implementation guides and reflection prompts
6-month access to recorded sessions for review
Immediate access to Cam’s online course “10 Parenting Strategies to Help Adoptees Navigate Race & Culture”
Instant download of the four-part adoptee workbook “This Is Why I Was Adopted”
Please don’t wait until your child is 16 before having their first meaningful conversation about adoption! I know that’s not you, and I also know that can leave everyone struggling. I’ve received those panicked calls from parents, and I never respond with shame. Shame isn’t a teacher; it’s a silencer. Instead, I offer a hand: “Here we are now, and there’s a path forward. It might not be well-marked, but we’ll find it together.”
As one parent shared:
“Half the battle is finding constructive ways to talk about hard things. This workshop has provided just that. We are so grateful for this unique & gracious context!”
Another parent noted:
“One of the biggest takeaways for us is the tools for how to SER(ve) our son! We are practicing each day and he is constantly showing affection and coming to us to initiate conversations that he used to just keep inside. This training is such a gift to our family!”
The fruit of this labor of love and understanding will be communities where adoptees feel fully seen and valued, where their complex histories are honored, and where they can discover their unique path in every chapter of their story.
Help isn’t just on the way – it’s available now. Let’s keep building that different kind of village together. I’m rooting for us and can’t wait to work together with you and your family! -Cam
REFERENCES
Baden, A.L. (2016), ‘“Do You Know Your Real Parents?” and Other Adoption Microaggressions’, Adoption Quarterly, 19(1), pp. 1–25. Available at: doi.org/10.10 80/10926755.2015.1026012
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Cambridge University Press.
Brodzinsky, D., Gunnar, M., & Palacios, J. (2022) ‘Adoption and trauma: Risks, recovery, and the lived experience of adoption’, Child Abuse & Neglect, 130(2), article 105309. Available at: doi. org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2021.105309
Herman, J. (2015) Trauma and Recovery. New York: Basic Books.
IAMAdoptee & Side By Side: Reflections (2021). 9 Short Stories. An discussion between IAMAdoptee co-founder, Joy Lieberthal Rho, and clinical therapist, Cam Lee Small, about the restorative nature of providing a different response in the telling of an adoptee’s story creating a new sense of validation and understanding of self. https://iamadoptee.org/reflections/
Javier, R., Baden, A., Biafora, F., & Camacho-Gingerich, A. (2007). Handbook of Adoption: Implications for researchers, practitioners, and families. California: SAGE Publications, Inc. Available at: doi. org/10.4135/9781412976633
Lee R.M. (2003) ‘The transracial adoption paradox: History, research, and counseling implications of cultural socialization’, The Counseling Psychologist, 31(6), pp. 711–744. doi. org/10.1177/0011000003258087
Lee Small, C. (2024a). The Adoptee’s Journey: From loss and trauma to healing and empowerment. Downer’s Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.
Lee Small, C. (2024b). ‘Why adoptees need a new kind of village’, TEDx Minneapolis. Available at: www. youtube.com/watch?v=zqCoMRUKVao
Lee Small, C. (2025c). ‘Adoption Literacy: A practical guide for counselors’. The Family Journal, 0(0). doi. org/10.1177/10664807241313132
