Honestly…? Moving as an Adoptee
Raise your hand if you struggle with change. Last month, I moved into my second ‘grown up’ apartment only to find that I’d needed as many mental health days as I’d needed cardboard boxes.
My anxiety and depression ghouls arose like zombies from the Thriller™ music video, smoke machines included. “Have I always been like this with change?” I wondered. Why would I have such a visceral reaction to moving into a bat and mouse-free apartment with air conditioning, an elevator, and a dear friend? Being an adoptee has made transitions (yes, even healthy ones) difficult for me. Allow me to pull back the curtain and give you a BTS look at how my move went.
1. “How is the move going?” Friends and family asked me excitedly, but the pit in my stomach and hole in my chest only grew. What is this feeling? I don’t want to pack. What if my new roommates and I fight? Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts piled up. Sleeping always seemed like a better choice. It took five phone calls, two therapy sessions, and crying into the mirror for me to admit to myself that I was grieving. I was leaving a place I called home. I had grown comfortable there despite the dysfunction. I didn’t know what to expect next and that terrified me.
2. Boxes, Tape, and Trash. As I packed my life into boxes, my mind created a highlight reel. The bedroom walls watched me struggle with addiction; my security blankets, my “magic, medicine, misery”. Painfully, I said goodbye to my coping tools; sex, drugs, and alcohol. Despite my desire to keep them, I trashed the items months before I moved out. The day I moved, I decided to pay one last visit to a nearby park. I typically escaped to this sanctuary after a roommate fight, a stressful workday, or a therapy session. This time, I walked around and quietly said goodbye to the gardens, banana leaf plants, and fountains. As I got into my car, I whispered “I’ll be back”. It was a healthy place full of beauty and great photo opportunities. I headed to my last AA meeting in the local area, completely forgetting that I hadn’t finished packing!
Craig Rose Garden photo taken on the day I moved.
3. Screws and Power Tools. “I put so much effort into making this place feel like home” I whimpered to my best friend a week before the move. “Yes, but now you can make your new place feel like home!” she cooed. With the last box loaded, I handed over my keys and drove off. The next thing I knew, I was alone in my new apartment curled up in the fetal position on my mattress. Boxes piled in the kitchen. The last time I moved, I was smoking, drinking, and sleeping with a stranger by 9 PM. This time needed to be different. This time I needed to create. Reluctantly, I dragged myself to Lowes and bought a power drill, hammer, and screwdriver. A few days later, I proudly unveiled my new closet and bathroom storage to my roommates and friends. They validated my efforts and even helped me finish my project! I felt independent; look at me assembling furniture all by myself!
4. Lakes and Sunsets. I was once asked, “who are you when you are alone?” At that point in my life, I had never been alone long enough to know. But living in my old apartment, I learned that I felt most comforted surrounded by nature. I grew up in rural New Jersey, surrounded by forests, cornfields, and oreo cows. My new apartment is surrounded by highways, strip malls, and traffic. I missed nature hideaways. I needed to find a park to feel centered, similar to the feeling of finding a local AA meeting. I decided to download AllTrails and went to the closest park I could find. After walking around, I found a new favorite spot; a lakeside dock. I felt like myself again, having found a safe escape for those future chaotic days. A perk of my new place is I have the perfect bedroom view of the sunset. Sunsets keep me going, they give me a reason to push myself to see another day.
On the dock: My new favorite spot
Honestly? This was the smoothest change I’ve had as an adoptee. It was the only life change I’ve processed and it was in real time! My first move happened unexpectedly at 5 days old. I went from living with my first mother to living with strangers who became my adopted mom and dad. There is still SO MUCH to unpack and I don’t mean my clothes. However, I’m able to see that I’m safe. For once, this move was my choice. This new apartment is my home for now. I will do what I can to feel comfortable and powerful. I will smile through tired eyes as I work through the challenges adoption gave me. But I’m here, I’m honest, and I’m happy.
