My story: Isaiah James

Hey friend, my name is Isaiah. I am a transracial adoptee. I was adopted just before my first birthday. I am a product of high school love, created during the harmony of Valentines and then born in the fall.

There was a slim chance it would have all worked out like a true family. My mother was only 17 trying to finish up high school, and my father was a fresh graduate with a scholarship and career in mind. I believe the passion was there but there was not much support physically, mentally, or financially to keep the family alive. After almost a year of my mother giving it her all and my father doing his own thing at school, we all parted ways. I to a new family and them to live their own lives separately. It’s been an interesting experience, a challenging existence, an odd occurrence.

Never-ending Questions

I’ve often questioned why I have to struggle like this, feeling lonely, empty, and insignificant. Why must I go without natural parents and a connection to myself? Why did I have to start growing up so early, aged by trauma and then by nature? I question how it’s possible to cry so uncontrollably for so long over the same matters, over people that I hardly know. I wake up some days feeling completely desolate, craving a connection and dependency, numb to pain, numb to feeling better. I’ve at times convinced myself I am better off alone, that no one is coming and those who do come will always leave.

“I’ve at times convinced myself I am better off alone, that no one is coming and those who do come will always leave.”

I wonder often if I’ll ever fully heal or feel complete. If the void will find someone or something else to satisfy its never-ending sorrow. Will my waves of depression ever find a new tide or body to consume? Will I one day wake up in full confidence believing that I am enough? Can I really forgive every single person who’s hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me? Could I ever break away to feel ‘normal’ for just a second? Maybe if I am lucky I’ll get a whole day to feel my complete self. What would I even do if I didn’t overcompensate, over-think, undervalue, or self-sabotage myself? We all have dreams and living simply confident is one of mine.

Aiming for perfection.

When I was a younger kid I set out to be the best. I wasn’t sure what at, when, or how but I wanted to be the best. It was an inner feeling, maybe a calling, definitely a passion that is still with me today. I’ve wanted to do and feel incredible things, be seen and heard. Be recognized as someone who’s done something worthwhile. Maybe that would ease my pain when I think of my parents letting me go and pushing me away. Maybe I’ll gain a bigger purpose, I think.

As the years have gone on I’ve thought well I could be a well-known artist, politician, social activist, an Olympic athlete, or high up business exec. Something of importance to give me the satisfaction of receiving a title that indicated I was THE GUY. He is more than enough, he is seen, heard, and now desired. I’ve hated the feeling of being left behind, not worth fighting for or finding an easier alternative to get me grown. I’ve worked towards my goals of being “the best“ and every time I’ve completed a milestone, gotten a promotion, or broke a career barrier this little voice rises from the void letting me know “it will never be enough.” It tells me “you were never enough, keep pushing for more, be better than the best, break every record, be seen as near perfect and then we can talk about being “complete.”

Showing up for myself.

I’ve listened to that voice and it’s driven me absolutely crazy, going to the gym, to work, what I ate, who I talked to, what I did was all measured and compared to this idea of greatness that I created in my own head, that I’ve desired to reach but feared the entire time. What would happen after? What would be of me, if I towered on top of the world but still felt small and insignificant inside? Like King Kong afraid of what to do after scaling the Empire State building. Luckily I am starting to change my ways. I still want to be the best and give my all. As I said, it's a passion. However, I am doing my best to not chase a material feeling, man-made achievement, or a simple paycheck. I want to be the best me, I believe the rightful place for the best feeling is within me in my actions of self. Being the best version of me, proving only to me that I am enough. Showing up for myself, taking care of myself, refinding my hobbies and interests, and understanding the way I feel and why I feel like that. My adoption has pushed me to forget about myself and to try and please only those around me. I am working on doing what’s best for me, holding my boundaries and believing in myself, and from that belief taking risks to move forward in life.

“My adoption has pushed me to forget about myself and to try and please only those around me.”

Life is a give and take.

Being adopted has drastically changed my life. In ways both good and bad, I believe life is a give and take. I was given a stable financial home, nice vacations, beautiful holidays, pets, extracurricular activities, a car, a nice life in comparison to what could have been. What was taken was a sense of self, trust, love and understanding. Aspects of me I’ve come to love and cherish. Aspects that have been filled or dependent on those around me. Being told I should feel “lucky and blessed to have been adopted” from a young age really altered my view of myself. I’ve thought I owe everything to everyone that came with this adopted life. I was simply around because of luck and therefore I was the person who will always go the extra mile to show my appreciation for being around. This way of thinking and acting is utterly exhausting, horribly untrue and 100% people-pleasing, which never ends with the pleaser feeling better, ever.

“Being told I should feel “lucky and blessed to have been adopted” from a young age really altered my view of myself. I’ve thought I owe everything to everyone that came with this adopted life.”

Embracing who I am.

I am finding my way back to who I am and who I am gonna be. No amount of family, worldly happiness, money, career success, friends or just stuff will ever make me feel the way I feel when I am true to myself. When I trust myself, take a risk or learn on my own. When I am on a date or trying out something new. When I let go of who I am not and embrace who I am or could be. I feel my adoption doesn’t define me as lucky or an odd blessing but encourages me to keep stepping into the familiar essence of the unknown. I don’t think anyone can master the uncomfortable unknown like an adoptee can. We were born into the unknown and have made our entire lives out of it. Every day is a new day for us, one day we have a life, a family, and the next we don’t.

“I don’t think anyone can master the uncomfortable unknown like an adoptee can. We were born into the unknown and have made our entire lives out of it. Every day is a new day for us, one day we have a life, a family, and the next we don’t.”

Writing and creating my own path.

I am changing as I write this. I am creating my own path. Little makes sense of my journey. So many rules and traditions have been broken that at this point it would be silly to follow “the proper way” too closely. I adopt a new life for myself every day by choosing myself first. Adoption has been a tough experience. It’s hard to navigate and in my experience, there is hardly a “right or wrong” just what you will and won’t do in the end. I hope you find the courage to be yourself, believing that you're enough just as you are today, just as you have been in the past, and just as you will be going forward.

I am proud to be an adoptee, it’s an experience I’ve only just begun to describe. Thanks for reading and welcome to the Rewriting Adoption community!