Holiday Breathing

They come and they go, every year, like clockwork. You’d think I'd be more prepared after 43 years because they come at the same time EVERY year.

I’m talking about the holidays. Unfortunately, they’ve only gotten worse until recently. Admitting out loud that I’ve struggled with holidays feels super vulnerable. And yet, I’m learning that I’m not alone in my feelings.

The big three.

Halloween is the first of the BIG 3 holidays for me. Growing up, we would trick or treat in our neighborhood. Sometimes (most times) we also attended the “Harvest Festivals” at either my school or church. I liked collecting candy but got bored of eating it rather quickly. As an adult, I love a good costume and have been known for throwing some epic Halloween parties back in the day. Seriously, people are so creative!

And then there’s Thanksgiving...or what I’ve renamed, “Thanksliving”, because let’s be real, 2020 forced us to prioritize our physical health and mental sanity, a precious commodity that the world had been taking for granted. Growing up, Thanksgivings were a big deal and mostly spent with extended family on my paternal adopted parent side. So much family, that we needed a church basement to host us all. We still managed to have the full traditional turkey meal...including my Grandma Elsie’s green jello salad. I remember lots of people, kids running around, the smell of coffee, games of Spoons and Trivial Pursuit being played. You practically needed a flow chart to remember who’s who. But once my parents divorced while I was in high school, I began having two Thanksgivings: one at dad’s, one at mom’s. I didn’t understand at the time but I know now that I held a lot of resentment having to always split my time between my parents.

“I now understand my fear of rejection, and simultaneous people-pleasing stems from my trauma as an adoptee. This realization has allowed me to confidently name RESENTMENT and, in a way, let me see it was driving everything I was doing.”

Rearranging the holidays.

So when covid hit and rearranged my Thanksliving in 2020, along with the rest of the world, I realized the urgency for me to take back the reins of my life. But it wasn’t just about the virus. It was about how I had allowed my holidays to take shape. As an adult, Thanksliving was always spent with my parents: one parent in the morning, one in the evening, or some variation. Regardless of how my time was scheduled, the point being, it was never really up to me. Why? Because I did holidays for others.

My autopilot took over and I became accustomed to the monotony of holidays. There were times that I missed being at the larger family gatherings in part because I wasn’t the ‘main attraction’. Being continuously held up as a joyous light at family gatherings, as one of my aunts put it, allowed me to disassociate from my feelings. And yet, it was also completely overwhelming.

Holidays as an adoptee.

And finally, we arrive at Christmas, the last of the big 3. Aside from always being in debt, not being able to buy gifts for everyone in my life (which seems like the worst societal expectation), I have genuinely always loved Christmas. But nobody loves Christmas like my stepmom. It’s usually still Christmas in February at their house because she loves it THAT much. Over the years, some traditions have changed and some have stayed the same. As a kid, I loved wrapping (and unwrapping) presents, Christmas carols, and decorating our house with lights. Again, I have memories of being surrounded by lots of people, lots of gifts and lots going on, all the time. And in a family of 6--you’re practically never alone.

Turns out that you can still be alone, even when you’re surrounded by people who share your last name, especially in a family of adoptees. We are not a particularly close family. But when we do see one another it’s usually at one of the big 3 holidays.

“Turns out that you can still be alone, even when you’re surrounded by people who share your last name, especially in a family of adoptees. ”

Finding joy again.

As each holiday comes and goes I think about how I want to reinvent my holidays going forward, I have to say I am really proud of myself. Why? Because I don’t get teary-eyed talking or even thinking about planning holidays anymore. I am not triggered by a friend asking me what my plans are. I am honest that I am learning about how to find joy in the holidays again.

“I don’t get teary-eyed talking or even thinking about planning holidays anymore. I am not triggered by a friend asking me what my plans are. I am honest that I am learning about how to find joy in the holidays again.”

Recreating holidays has been my big work this past year. (Thank you Coronavirus!) I have been on autopilot coasting along like everything was just dandy — when it wasn't. Part of my self-care plan is to help my brain rewire these holidays that feel full of obligation. I know many of my friends who lived near my parents would always say “come over” or “stop by if you have time”. But I never felt like I had the time and it felt a lot like yet another obligation to fulfill.

Reclaiming my holidays.

Holidays feel and look different to me now. I accept that no one else is going to make these days what they are but me. And I’m finally ready to embrace all the parts of what that really means. Now I do my best to see one parent per day, per Holiday visit. At some point in my adulthood, I stepped out of childhood and into taking care of my parents--parenting my parents. This is not a role that I ever asked for or wanted but it happened. It’s my obligation now to take the flight attendant’s advice and put my oxygen mask on first. So with every breath, I am:

Exhaling responsibility.
Inhaling self-love and nurturing
Exhaling obligation.
Inhaling new memories.
Exhaling past holiday memories.
Inhaling centeredness.
Exhaling other people’s expectations.

The past year made me realize that I get to decide what I want and feel empowered to do something about it. As I look at the calendar, I’m not bracing myself for the upcoming holidays. I’m actually planning ahead now which doesn’t scare me like it used to. I think there will always be a thread of doubt on holidays but this is what I’ve arrived at as I reinvent and reclaim my holidays: Holidays are literally 24 hours. That’s it. That’s all you have to endure and survive. Guess what? I did. I am living proof that you can do it too.